Howlraiser Hurls Extinction-Level Asteroids onto the Sun Belt

Last year, Howlraiser dropped atomic bombs onto the Sun Belt, using sophisticated data compiled from NUKEMAP. The destruction was horrendous! Now we’re increasing the stakes, pitching extinction-sized space rocks upon the cringing populace of Sun Belt cities! Eat it, Oppenheimer!

For the simulation, we’re using Asteroid Launcher, which is probably used by the President and Elon Musk and stuff. We wanted to drop rocks the size of the space boulder that trashed the dinosaurs, but scientists estimate that particular rock was six miles wide. Asteroid Launcher limits its girth to a mile, max. However, science also computes that the dino-killer slammed into the Earth at 67,000 miles per hour at a 60º angle, so can at least plug those digits into the matrix.

Meet your destroyer, Sun Belt

Finally, asteroids come in a variety of materials – iron, stone, even gold. But we’re sticking to the dinosaur killer theme and going with a carbon-based rock, or a C-class asteroid, which makes up to about 75% of all space rocks.

Imagine the carnage. Envision the destruction! The impact of a mile-wide, C-class asteroid smacking the Earth at 67,0000 miles per hour would produce 41,000 MPH winds, flattening homes within 247 miles of impact – an impact would pack the explosive power equivalent to 321 Gigatons of TNT. Those of you born more than 70,000 years ago will know that’s more energy exerted than by the last eruption of Mount Yellowstone.

Appalachian State (Boone, NC)

An estimated 15,477 people would be vaporized in the 4.5 mile crater, with an an estimated 4,984,422 people being incinerated by a fireball 27 miles wide. Clothes would catch on fire within 139 miles of the impact. An estimated 444,039 people would die from the 269 decibel shock wave. All things considered, not bad!

Arkansas State (Jonesboro, AR)

An estimated 24,128 people would be vaporized in the 4.5 mile crater, with an an estimated 2,026,446  people being incinerated by a fireball 27 miles wide. An estimated 3,402,881 people would receive 2nd degree burns. Trees would catch on fire within 228 miles of the impact. Just another hot day in Arkansas if you ask me.

Coastal Carolina (Conway, SC)

Just 8,873 people would be vaporized in the 4.5 mile crater, but the death-toll spikes when an estimated 3,651,998  people get incinerated the 27 mile wide fireball. An estimated 323,422 people would die from the shock wave. Anyone within 107 miles would likely have ruptured eardrums, triggering thousands of noise complaints from nearby retirement communities.

Georgia Southern (Statesboro, GA)

About 16,613 people would be pulverized in the 4.5 mile crater with an additional 3,150,448 souls fried by the 27 mile wide fireball. An apocalyptic 6,521,056 people would receive 2nd degree burns, while another 2,155,898 people die in the wind burst. Eagle Creek, however, would unnervingly remain untouched.

Georgia State (Atlanta, GA)

No surprise that a whopping 54,915 people would parish in the 4.5 mile crater with an additional 5,704,109 Georgians sizzled by the 27 mile wide fireball. The misery continues for the 1,572,497 people receiving painfully lethal 3rd degree burns, prompting the Georgia legislature to christen the asteroid “General Sherman.”

James Madison (Harrisburg, VA)

Without ceremony, 24,821 Dukes would get destroyed in the 4.5 mile crater, and an astonishing 6,686,721 people would be consumed by the 27 mile wide fireball. Break out the ointment for the 9,071,374 people receiving 2nd degree burns. Despite the destruction and massive loss of life, the NCAA would still deny the Dukes a bowl game.

Louisiana (Lafayette, LA)

You can bid au revoir to 26,476 Cajuns getting crushed inside the 4.5 mile crater, along with the 1,942,329 people roasted by the 27 mile wide fireball. To add more misery to the mayhem, tack on 324 deaths from the subsequent earthquake. Rustin would be snickering were they not also absorbing 40,000 mile per hour winds.

ULM (Monroe, LA)

Provided that they’re not at a LSU game, 19,000 very casual Warhawks fans get pulverized inside the 4.5 mile crater – followed by1,608,088  people getting cooked by the 27 mile wide fireball. Get ready for a run on Rite Aid because 1,495,891 people are getting 3rd degree burns! The only thing that can save Monroe is that the asteroid is absorbed by the city’s immensely dense indifference.

Marshall (Huntington, WV)

Immediately 27,065 people get flattened, and then 4,184,335  people get grilled by the 27 mile wide fireball. Did you survive? Too bad, because now 347,275 poor saps get liquified by a 269 decibel shockwave. The Krakatoa explosion was only 172 decibels, and that shockwave circled their earth not one, not twice, not thrice, but four times. But the Herd will always have that win over Notre Dame, so the Karma evens out.

Old Dominion (Norfolk, VA)

Right away, you can say adios to the 45,034 people now reduced to atoms in the 4.5 mile wide crater. Go ahead and pay the same sad sentiments to the 4,226,647 citizens blasted by that 27 mile wide fireball. You want to talk about 2nd degree burns? Okay. Count on 6,798,858 groaning people soaking in aloe vera for the next few months. It’s all good. We needed a New Dominion anyway.

South Alabama (Mobile, AL)

Watch out, Mobile! 18,619 of your citizens are now gooey flesh pancakes. The 27-mile fireball reduces Alabama’s population by another 1,774,927. What about that high-decibel thunderclap? The Shockwave of Death removes 418,269 from the Earth. Not a good day for South Alabama, absolutely, but somehow still better than the Steve Campbell era.

Southern Miss (Hattiesburg, MS)

Some might say getting instantly crushed from existence would be a mercy to 14,928 people from Hattiesburg. (Of course, those people would be mean for saying such a mean thing.) One thing that definitely has no mercy and is very mean is the the 27-mile fireball that takes out another 2,231,195 people. It’ll be hard for Southern Miss to overcome this, but we hear that alumni Brett Favre knows how to secure some federal funding.

Texas State (San Marcos, TX)

We hear you like to party in San Marcos, but try dancing the Macarena in a 4.5 mile crater filled with 35,918 flattened bros. When the 27-mile fireball hits, you can subtract 4,016,512 more people from the shindig. Instead of keg stands, 4,087,278 people with 2nd degree burns will be lining up for water and a soothing salve. Party’s over, Texas State. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here – because it’s wiped off the face of the Earth.

Troy (Troy, AL)

We’ve hurled thirteen asteroids now, and the fourteenth has instantly squished 10,995 Trojans with the 27-mile fireball incinerating 2,860,815 more. Quite frankly, we’re exhausted, and we might have pulled a hamstring.

CORRECTION: An earlier version of this post incorrectly listed “Harrisonburg” as “Harrisburg.” The parties responsible have be executed via asteroid.