My house has a crawlspace, and as far as crawlspaces go, it’s pretty swank. For starters, you need not crawl in my crawlspace. It’s really a walkspace. Everything I don’t really want – but I don’t want to throw away – ends up in the walkspace. Over the weekend, while twisting an ankle on an hold horseshoe set, I decided it was time to clean out the walkspace.

Reader’s Digest version of the story, I found the ancient scroll prophesying the Five Signs of the College Football Apocalypse, and let me tell ya, it ain’t good. Who wrote the prophecy? Why was it stashed beneath the flat front tire of my ten-speed ? Why was it written on the back of an old Black & Decker hedge-clipper instruction manual? All good questions, though none interesting enough to answer.

An All-Knowing, Never-Sleeping Entity Shall Rise from The North East Beguiling the Masses with Brain Worming Catchphrases

 “You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.” This sign must refer to ESPN, the godless and soulless entity that has gobbled up the sports universe like Galactus at Thanksgiving. Broadcasting 24/7 with clips as cool as the other side of the pillow, ESPN has become the wielder of the world-ending broadsword!

The Scions of Swindle Shall Form a Monster of Five Heads

Clearly this refers to the rise of the Power Five, a quintet of happy-go-lucky college sports conferences that will eventually be consumed by its own greedy lust for money and power. All who refuse to hail this hydra is either destroyed or absorbed. Grim stuff.

The Underworld’s Mouth Gapes Wide and the Agents of Avarice Roll the Tide

Obviously, the “underworld’s mouth” is the transfer portal, which has unleashed an army of NIL agents whispering tales of riches and fame into the ears of anyone with an ounce of athletic ability. Meanwhile, the chaos proves too unseemly even for Alabama head coach Nick Saban, who ascends to College Gameday Shang-Ra-La. Sure, traditionally the language of prophecy leans tricky, but so far, this text is right on the nose!

Four Betrays The Fifth; the Innocent Fall into the Rift

An imperfect rhyme! Who wrote this? Eminem? With the broadcast stakes reaching astronomical sums, brothers turned on brother with the PAC-12 is brutally murdered by its P5 brethren, leaving only four to rule the hellscape. The result? A mad realignment with innocent fans forced to jeer new rivals located thousands of miles away. The madness!

North and South Grow Bold to Bury East and West in its Gold.

This seems to be the last bit of prophecy that has yet to come to fruition, but it’s coming! Soon the BIG 10 and SEC will combine forces to use its riches to smother the rest of college sports into its grave. The strongest of the Big 12 and AAC may get absorbed, or maybe not. Why split the pot? Meanwhile, the remainder of the college sports community will become lower demons of the new global order. Really looking forward to that.

Image is an AI monstrosity