The only cure is a blowout win over Appalachian State

There is a much watched, oft-commented video of Red Wolves head coach Butch Jones screaming uninterpretable sounds of discontent after the four-point loss to Louisiana, a game that ended with quarterback Jaylen Raynor stuffed at the one yard line. His face the hue of a taillight, his shoulders squared as if prompted to tackle a running back, Jones stomped towards the tunnel a frustrated man, dispiritedly defeated for the fourth time in five years by those dastardly Cajuns.

I was with you, man. The stakes aren’t nearly as high for me, so all my chagrin stowed inside the sweaty confines of my heroically tiny brain. But it wasn’t rage I felt so much as a deeply rooted exhaustion plowed into the marrow of my bones. The last two seasons have felt more like prison labor than fandom. Every victory was to become the sole survivor of a jumbo jetliner crash. Every loss was spelling Sisyphus for a few hours.

The last two seasons have produced more than a dozen games decided by a score or less. Less stress is caused by defusing a bomb. Every game is scripted by the authors of the Mission Impossible franchise. Unexpected villains make unwelcome cameos – The Muffed Punt, the Missed Tackled, The Lateral for a Loss. The Confounding Play Call. Who invited these guys? The Marquis de Sade?

Over the last two seasons, we’ve become twisted creatures of the Two Minute Drill, pensively clinching our fists into claws, gnashing our teeth until their are honed to fangs. If we’re lucky in victory, we might return to human form. A loss leaves us trapped inside a monster of fury and despair, our malformed fingers reflexively manifesting our rage onto social media platforms and message boards. Bitterness is a toxic coal that burns like an ulcer.

I’m pooped, ya’ll. I wake up wanting a nap. I am in desperate need of a catatonic slumber that can only be produced by the low-stress experience of a blowout victory. Let’s run up the score on the Mountaineers and sleep in on Sunday. Is such a thing even possible? The crushing, overwhelming, no-doubt victory proved elusive after a 17-0 start at Troy and a 10-0 start against the Cajuns. A comfortable lead just isn’t on brand. Our halftime snacks are a fistfull of Rolaids with a antihypertensive chaser. Our spouses gently recommend that we seek professional counseling.

For the sake of my health, Arkansas State, deliver upon me a blowout win.

IMAGE: AI monstrosity