Do it, Commissioner Gill. Send the invitations. It can be a text. Tell them that, because have full hearts, we will accept them into our ranks provided they work to meet our standards. After all, the Sun Belt is a conference on the rise, and we don’t need anchors from a failing ideology dragging us into mediocrity’s lukewarm depths.

Why do I care? Consider this: the Sun Belt plays the SEC far more than any Privileged Five conference. A normal human-being would glance at these numbers and assume that there is a jolly-good rivalry at play. After all, the Sun Belt has only played its natural peer rival, Conference USA, just 107 times.

Remember what the great George Costanza tells us: It’s not a lie if you believe it. Everybody thinks Rowdy Roddy Piper was a great wrestler, but have you ever seen him win a wrestling match? Nope. Moxie was his greatness, and it can be the Sun Belt’s too.

This question vexes me with a vexing more vexing than “Why did we go with Bonner on the last drive when Hatcher obviously had the hot hand?” We’re going with the Two QB until it’s etched onto our tombstone. (Here Lies A-State Fan Rules, Two QB.) No, it’s our stubborn determination to out-cute the opposing defense that murders us again, and again and again. When the solution stares us in the face, we close our eyes, click our heels, and hope for a miracle.