Please Support the Glory Days Conference

Now would only appear to be a prime moment to dissect Red Wolves basketball, but why bring forth the effort? Instead of contemplating the real possibility that Arkansas State won’t win a single Division I basketball game this season, I started noodling with an idea for giving certain football programs “Honorary Membership Status” in college football polls.

Every year, without fail, the Associated Press plugs in a pile of blue-blood programs into the Top 25 that are universally recognized brands, yet haven’t really mattered in decades – think of them as the Wyatt’s Cafeteria of football. The programs that come to my mind immediately are Texas, Nebraska, Tennessee, USC and Michigan.

The idea is that, instead of painfully talking ourselves into accepting them as top tier programs, we instead create a new category for them: Honorable Mention Members. Like, you’d have the real Top 25, and then you’d plug in the before-mentioned teams as Honorable Mention Members so their fans can believe themselves special, too. The beauty of it is that they can remain Honorable Mention Members all season long, rather than endure five weeks of mediocrity before finally exiting the polls.

Since the formation of this genius-level concept, I’ve seen it evolve into something even more revolutionary. Why not create a new conference for these over-the-hill programs? That way, they can just play each other and only rarely have to play a team with actual skills.

We’ll call it the Glory Days Conference (GDC). It shall be comprised of programs whose alums and fans believe themselves elite, yet haven’t the hard statistics to back that claim up. Because this website is all about value, I’ve already submitted programs for membership:

  • Michigan
  • USC
  • UCLA
  • Tennessee
  • Texas
  • Nebraska
  • Auburn
  • Boise State
  • UCF

You’re already wondering why Boise State and UCF are on this list. Just accept my wisdom and realize that the pompousness of those fan bases are equal to any of the before mentioned programs.

The Glory Days Conference has no divisions (only 1,000,000% confidence in their own superiority). They just randomly play each other, with each pointing to a victory over the other as ironclad proof of its Playoffs legitimacy. We’ll name somebody ridiculous to be conference commissioner – like Mack Brown or Steve Spurrior. Design of the logo will bear a distinctly 1990s feel. As a preemptive action, we’ll secure separate TV rights for each team instead of a conference channel, because, you know, Texas.

Other programs will want to hop aboard: Florida State, Oregon and Virginia make compelling cases. We’ll listen to them all. It’s essential that these programs remain relevant, as we have a great deal of money and brand awareness invested in them. Q-rating is more essential than wins and losses. And look how classy those Nebraska unis look!

Don’t call me a revolutionary. I’m just applying my powerful mind to the world’s most pressing problems. But should you see Kirk Herbstreidt between now and SEC Media Days, feel free to reference this column when you pitch the GDC.