No matter who you are, no matter what conference you play for, you’re gonna have a least one butt game on your yearly slate. I don’t make the rules. That’s reality. Let’s look at the worst in the Sun Belt – the ass-iest of ass for each team.

Appalachian State vs. Gardner-Webb, September 2

The Mountaineers belch this frog onto the turd pile immediately, blunting their skills on the dull flesh of the Bulldogs before a bored and bearded audience in Boone.

Coastal Carolina vs. Duquesne, September 16

Go get a life, loser, if you even know Duquesne fielded a football team or if you know how to pronounce “Duquesne.”

Georgia Southern at Ball State, September 23

Sure, the Eagles open the season with a butt game against The Citadel, but man, try getting up for a road game against Ball State, where it will likely already be as cold as Poseidon’s balls.

Georgia State vs. Rhode Island, August 21

Two states that I always forget are states: Delaware and Rhode Island. Hey, Panthers, just because you schedule somebody for basketball doesn’t mean you owe them a football game. Thanks for ruining August.

James Madison vs. Bucknell, September 2

Pan’s Golden Flute, why the hell are the Dukes playing Bucknell? Only man servants and double agents graduate from Bucknell. How about vetting your opponent before scheduling them, Jimmy Mads?

Marshall vs. Albany, September 2

Albany can’t even stand up to Goneril let alone put an end to the Thunder Herd’s ground game, but I’m sure Marshall already knew that.

Old Dominion vs. Texas A&M-Commerce, September 23

Admittedly more interesting than playing Texas A&M-Texas A&M.

Arkansas State at UMASS, September 30

I’d rather rub my face in Hephaestus neck beard than watch this shit ass game.

Louisiana vs Northwestern State, September 2

I was going to google “where is northwestern state” and then I realized that I’m a man with real things to do, like drink a quart of water from Camp Lejeune.

ULM vs Lamar, September 9

Only serial killers and casket salesmen are named “Lamar.”

South Alabama vs, Southeastern Louisiana, September 9

Why Southeastern Louisiana and not Northwest Buttplug State International? Relax. I made that up. It’s just Northwest Buttplug State.

Southern Miss vs. Alcorn State, September 2

I’ll bet whoever scheduled this game is currently serving time in a Turkish prison. But not for committing crime; he just likes hanging out in Turkish prison.

Texas State at ULM, October 14

Ha ha, both of these teams are ass! Ha! Burn!

Troy

Man, I gots to admit, all of Troy’s games are interesting. Good work. Well done. You destroyed my column.