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It was eyebrow-raising to see how this goofy “NFL Players Returning to College Football” drama played out, with a universal gnashing of teeth as the universe waited for the SEC and BIG10 to DO SOMETHING! SAVE US! On cue, both conferences released statements declaring doom to any program signing a former NFL player to the roster. Thank God for the people in charge.
How disconcerting it must have been for ACC and BIG12 leadership – to see this conversation take place without their wise input. After all, when they were members of the mighty Power Five, their voices were treated as though they were commands trumpeted from atop Mt. Olympus.
Now you’re just like the rest of us chumps.
Welcome to the Group of 8, BIG12 and ACC. Your folding chair awaits. Enjoy the day-old fruits of our participation! Somebody (we don’t know exactly who) is creating your name badge the very moment a magic marker is found. We’d shake your hands, but most of us will be participating on Zoom.
It’s not bad. All important decisions are made for us. Also, none of those decisions really matter because the outcomes aren’t meant to benefit us. We’re just here to take notes.
We operate in the shadows. And by “shadows,” we mean Tuesday and Thursday, when our ESPN overlords allow us to shine. You’ll get used to tier 3 ESPN announcers chatting breathlessly about the Power 2 during your games – usually while broadcasting from a remote site! After all, why would anyone want to watch your game without a minute-to-minute update on Ohio State? Understand your role, sons! (You’ll sleep better once you do.)
There are more adjustments you need to make, especially to your expectations. For example, accept that your conference schedule is trash. Every game you play within conference only underscores the media’s belief that you suck. The quicker you accept that you are trapped in an M. C. Escher inspired, endless strength-of-scheduling staircase loop, the better!
Additionally, your best players are auto-entitled to seek openings on P2 rosters. How this affects your team is inconsequential. What matters is that your star players “move up.” The media well helpfully identify your best players while openly pondering their next best landing spots. It’s a service, really.
There are more facts of life to accept. It’s universally assumed their your head coach is only serving your favorite athletic program until something better comes along. If you defeat a Power 2 team, it’s because the Power 2 team in question either didn’t have their heart in the game, or there’s something terribly, terribly wrong. The only way you can make the College Football Playoffs is to win ALL your conference games – even one loss is evidence that you do not belong, you fraud! (Actually, winning all of your games guarantees nothing, but just keep smiling.)
Lastly, we know that you are secretly plotting a move to the Power 2 the moment Lords Sankey and Petitti finally notice you. Outwardly, your defection triggers our intense rage. Inwardly, we’re just jealous. After all, we are sewn into a system that compels us to fight to the death. To those about to die, we salute you.
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