During a news conference in August of 1986, President Ronald Reagan delivered a quip that ended up shaping a great many American’s worldview in the decades to come: “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.'”

We’re not about to delve into the merits and weaknesses of government – I’d rather be repeatedly kicked in the Senate, if you know what I mean. However, whether we like it or not, government may be the only arbiter for untangling the mess left by the rowdy frat boys of college football.

You may have heard that Republican Sen. Ted Cruz and Democratic Sen. Maria Cantwell have joined forces to introduce legislation aimed at “saving college sports.” Can one institution in need of saving actually save another institution in need of saving? That’s an existential question reserved for the philosophers. Let’s move on and assume that the Protect College Sports Act of 2026 is actually operating in good faith and is genuinely designed to unring the bell that the misshapen Quasimodo’s of college sports have unceasingly clamored.

The bill is a meaty tome full of suggestions underscored by the appearance of a very serious Nick Saban before a committee of very serious lawmakers. Like many within the sporting community, Saban indicated that NIL, the transfer portal, and our reptilian urge to shovel millions of dollars at athletes is an unsustainable business practice that will likely lead to the bankruptcy of everyone but the wealthiest. “We need a system that creates some kind of competitive balance,” advised Saban, failing to mention that coaching salaries are also an unregulated Thunderdome of avarice that has threatened “competitive balance” since Florida decided Steve Spurrier was worth $1 million per year.

Even with the endorsement of Nick Saban, the SEC and Big Ten aren’t playing ball. As this article from the Wall Street Journal summarizes, “Naturally, the two most powerful conferences in the sport, the Southeastern (SEC) and the Big Ten—which think college football would cease to exist without them—are not in love with this concept.” Is there any wonder why the resistance to this legislation is spearheaded by the only two entities that can afford the status quo?

When the Power Five convinced Americans that they were the good guys and that the NCAA was the villain, it set in motion a wild river of catastrophic events that has led us to this dim place. Regional rivalries and fan interest is gone, replaced by enormous corporate footprints designed for a pre-packaged football experience. Only regulation and oversight can fix it, but the voice of compromise is muffled by all those bags of cash. Athletes and coaches don’t want to give up their multi-million dollar pay days. Conferences won’t surrender their billion dollar contracts. Broadcast companies don’t want to see their property rights threatened. God forbid we work altruistically in the best interests of college sports.

Maybe the 17 most terrifying words in the English language are, “I am a football fan, and I would like for you to agree to a fair solution.”

IMAGE: Something I cobbled but at least it’s not AI